Dangerous Desires
by Akasha Ravensong
Summary: Heero watches as Duo becomes a shadow of his former self after the war, and longs for him to be more then just a friend. Longs for something that he can not have, longs to be able to rewrite the past and make his fantasy reality.
1. Part One

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Dangerous Desires  
By Akasha Ravensong

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Part One

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No. They would never approve of my longing for him. But that didn't stop me. In my dreams I pined for the gentle, sensuous, silky touch of his hands on my skin. But it will never happen. They would not let it. 

They were too wrapped up in feuds and a past that hardly matters anymore, dwelling on things that have been instead of those that may. The past is the past and it should stay that way. It should not be dragged about like some sort of weighted chain that holds one down. It was time to let it die once and for all. Its lessons had been learned, and were well remembered, but life must be lived for the future. There is nothing in the past, nothing but hatred. No, the past should be allowed to die and fade away into memory.

New futures should be built. The hatred that was savored during the war should be forgotten and allowed to die with it. Hate, anger, and jealousy are all emotions that will erode away at our souls and consume us whole should we allow them to continue to dwell within our beings. Minor details should not be allowed to define who or what we are and what we are allowed to become.

The colonies and the Earth needed to put their petty differences aside and live freely together. But alas, there would always be prejudice. It was human nature. There would always be a dark side. All we could truly do was prevent it from controlling us. What more was there to be done?

Why couldn't they see the man he has become behind the stony mask that he parades around in? He is so much more then the killing machine, the Shinigami, that they see him as. He is gentle. He is my angel, my demonic cherub of mischievous pranks and torture.

His laughter hides his pain in a blissful web of contentment. His laughter protects him from a past that is a just as treacherous, if not more so, the one's greatest enemy. His laughter makes me love him.

I wanted to see those who had unjustly done him wrong pay for their crimes against him they did not understand, nor deserve to understand his subtle ways. Because he grew up in a harsh and unloving environment he was forced to put forth a false façade. I wanted the whole world to know the same truths about him that I did.

It sickened me, but I was unable to resist his charm. I had seen a different side of him then anyone else. His duality should have made me nervous; it should have made me wonder if the side of him that I knew was nothing more then a pretense, but it did not. That duality only made him more intriguing to me. It made me want to know everything about him and his life, and made me want to be able to understand everything about him and the way he acts.

The way he moved was so graceful that he caught my eye every time he entered the same room I was in. His cat-like agility and his supple body made me long to see what he looked like beneath his clothes, and made me want him to know what I looked like beneath mine. His athletic build made me yearn to glimpse how toned his body was. I wanted to know every inch of him.

I wanted to run my hands through his silky hair and stare into the depths of his violet eyes. I wanted to take out that braid of his and see just how beautiful his hair really was. I wanted to know what it felt like to have his lips on mine as he deftly stroked my passion and brought my inner fires alive. I wanted my family to accept that people are not always what they seem and accept my choice of lovers. I wanted things that never could and never would be.

I wanted a new reality. I wanted too much. In my dreams I would continue to want, and in my fantasies I would imagine how it would be. To hell with reality, I would make my own fantasy. I would make my dreams come true. I only needed to find the way.

What amazed me was that he allowed me to see that there was more to him the Shinigami he proclaimed himself to be. But he did it in an offhand manner that made it seem as if he was still the same man, and seem as if he had never changed. But he had changed. The lives of those he had slain lay heavy on his conscience, and they tormented him. Yes, he reveled in the joy of the kill, but his conscience still managed to plague him with haunted memories.

I saw that there was more to him then his laughter, for even as that began to fade I loved him still. Over the years he had withdrawn more and more into himself and I was left on the sidelines unable to do anything more he watch as he deteriorated. His laughter became less frequently heard, and his smile rarely seen. Now, the laughter that came forth from him was forced, and false sounding to all who heard it. Duo was but a shadow of his former self.

At first his pranks had begun to loose their originality and the fineness that he had become so well known for. The painstaking efforts he had once put forth to ensure that he never repeated the same prank were abandoned. Then he fell into the habit of repeating the same sequence of pranks over and over again, until finally he just stopped.

It was as if he had given up on the world and on himself. And there was nothing I could do to stop him. He would not let me in anymore. He was no longer the happy go lucky boy that I had once known, but a man who was lost in a battle with his inner demons. He was lost inside of himself somewhere struggling to come to a sort of epitome with himself.

This about him I understood as well. For what I saw him become was someone that I knew all to well. He was becoming me, withdrawing from the world in a cold and calculated manor. I did not know how to help him. I barely knew how to help myself. But I loved him. Despite everything I loved him and I wanted desperately t help him. For if he faded from my life I would have nothing left to live for. Only my sheer stubbornness would keep me going that would only last so long.

I had to find a way to help him if it killed me.

Duo Maxwell, Shinigami, my heart is yours. If only there were a way to make you mine.

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	2. Part Two

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Dangerous Desires  
By Akasha Ravensong

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Part Two

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I could not forget the past. I could not forget the pain. All the mistakes that had been made haunted me, taunting me with their memory. Mocking me in my failures, for there were so many of them. So many choices that I had made that had been the wrong ones. So many things that I had done that I could not undo. So many people had been hurt because of my foolishness, because of my stupidity.

I was a failure. I was nothing but a failure. The future that should have been bright and promising now stood in front of me blocking my way. The future that should have been so easy for me grasp stood just beyond my reach. I could see that future clearly but I was too afraid of my failures to take it into my own hands and shape my own destiny.

I had failed so many times, what would happen to me if I failed one more time. I could not take the disappointment of the pain. Emotions were a dangerous thing. If I allowed myself to feel anything I opened myself to the possibility of being hurt again.

The fear and pain crawled inside my skin just beneath the surface consuming me from within until that was all that was left. I carefully constructed walls to protect myself from pain. To protect myself from everything and everyone I allowed nobody to get close to me. If there was nobody to trust and nobody to love then I could not be hurt by them.

I doubted myself and my abilities. I was weak. I was nothing but a failure. I had no self-respect left, no self esteem. I was an empty shell that only just barely managed to survive each day and keep on living. Duo hid behind this mask I had created and was almost no more. Only in the silence at the end of the day in solitude did he reappear to dream of what could have been if he had no failed so miserably over and over again.

During the war I hid behind a mask of infallible good moods and happiness. I forced myself to be happy when inside I was screaming and wishing that everything would just end. I pulled pranks and hid my fears with laughter. I pushed them away by lying to myself about everything. I told myself over and over again that I was ok, just so that I could make it through another day, another mission, without failing.

Every time I went on a mission I went hoping to never come back. I craved the danger. While I never did anything stupid to try and get myself killed I was always secretly hoping that I would not be good enough, that my skills were not as developed as they should have been, and that I would die.

I would not kill myself, for that was the absolute weakness that I would not allow. For if I killed myself it would mean that I had lost and I would not be allowed the chance of redemption. It would mean that everyone else was right about me and I was nothing but a failure. I did my best every time. And as always I hoped that this time, next time, my best would not be good enough.

The danger kept me alive. Whenever there was some outrageous stunt to be pulled I felt so alive and complete. It fully occupied my mind leaving absolutely no time for anything else, no time to doubt and hate myself. I was very good at what I did. I knew that. Yet I always had that lingering desire to no be good enough.

Every stunt I pulled was another opportunity to the release that death offered. But the peace of mind that death would bring me was always denied. I was strong. Stronger then I wanted to be. And so unfortunately, time after time again, I survived. I survived another day to hide myself from the pain.

At the end of the mask of happiness became too much for me to keep up. The danger was gone. The pranks weren't enough, and eventually I gave them up too. I retreated into myself completely. I removed myself from the world hoping that my time to die would come soon. I longed for release.

The day ended and I walked out of the office and towards my flat. The streets were crowded and people bustled about. I hid within myself ignoring them, and for all the notice I paid everyone around me they may as well have been silent or not even there at all. Once at my apartment I fumbled with my keys and opened my door.

It was a simple abode, and undecorated. It contained no mark to make it my own. No personal touches to make it more home-like. It contained only the bare essentials in the kitchen. In the living room was nothing but a plain but comfortable couch, a simple lamp, a coffee table, and a television. In the bedroom I had a nightstand, a small dresser, and several bookshelves. There was also a stereo and a CD rack.

The bookshelves and the CDs were perhaps the only thing in the apartment that gave any hint at all about the person that I was. Both were filled to the brim. I had books of all kinds, well almost all kinds. There were absolutely no romance novels on those shelves. That was an indulgence that I would not succumb to. The music that I listened to was mostly metal and rock. But in between all that lay a few classical pieces hidden carefully.

I occupied myself during most of my spare time by reading with music in the background. Books were an escape too. In books I could pretend that I was somewhere else, that I was someone else. I could be anybody but the complete and utter failure that I was. I could forget my pain for a time. I could forget the past.

And when the past overwhelmed me, I would take a CD and blare the music as loud as I could. The lyrics showing me that I was not alone and that others felt as miserable as I did. And if I cried to myself in that apartment there was nobody to know, and nobody to laugh at my weakness. There would be nobody to mock me. Nobody except myself, because I knew. And I hated myself even more for succumbing to that weakness.

Today I did followed the same boring routine and grabbed a book off my shelf. Blood Price, by Tanya huff, the latest novel in the series I had been reading. I picked up from where I had left off and immersed myself in the pages. Loosing myself in the story able to forget how much a failure I was for a time.

When I finished the book a few hours later and I put it down, staring at the blank television. I thought about my past and how things used to be. I remembered a few times that I had been truly happy. I remembered a few of the pranks that Solo and I had pulled before his death. I became lost in the past. Tears escaped from my eyes and fell silently down my cheeks unnoticed. I almost didn't hear the knocking at my door.

I peered through the peep hole and saw Heero Yuy on the other side. I unlatched the chain and opened the door. I stared at him expectantly waiting for an explanation. I didn't get visitors very often.

"Duo we need to talk."

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Authors Notes:

I decided not to keep this as a one shot, and I finally got around to writing the second part. It's still going to be a short fic, with one maybe two more parts depending on how many reviews I get. Please let me know what you think!

Blessed be,  
Raven Lynne

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	3. Part Three

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Dangerous Desires  
By Akasha Ravensong

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Part Three

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"Duo we need to talk." 

Silently turned my back on the door and walked back over to the couch. Taking that as an invitation inside Heero followed me, re-chaining the door behind him. He sat down on one end of the couch and I sat on the opposite.

He looked confused, and timid. Intrigued by what could be bothering the pilot I studied him. He stared down at his hands, looking uncomfortable. Finding the silence annoying I spoke up, wondering what could possibly be on the mind of the Perfect Soldier.

"So, what was it you wanted to speak to me about Heero? Is there something you need from me?"

I crossed my arms and looked at him expectantly. It was my experience that somebody always wanted something. I was used to this sort of abuse though and I wondered what it was this time. He must have heard that expectation in my voice, though I had thought I used a neutral tone. He looked up at me angrily.

"Dammit, Duo not everyone wants something from you. Is it too much to expect that I would _want _to come by to spend time some time with you? After all I had thought that you were my friend." He snapped much more vehemently then I would have expected.

"Friends, with me?" I scoffed. "Come off it Heero I'm not naive. Cut the crap and tell me what you came here for I don't have time for this bullshit."

"Bullshit!" he roared. He reached out and grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me, hard. I winced in spite of myself. "Get down from your damned pedestal Duo and get a fucking reality check. I'm worried about you, is that so damned hard to believe? We all are. Trowa, Quatre, Wufei, and I are all damned worried about you. You've crawled away inside of yourself and you won't let any of us help you."

"What makes you think I need your help?" I yelled back, getting angry now. "What makes you think I need any of you? You never needed me you only needed my skills. It wasn't me you were after it was the Shinigami."

He looked at me as if I had slapped him and I saw the pain in his eyes. But I refused to allow myself to react to it. I refused to feel regret at causing it. But he spoke and I could feel the iron in his voice.

"You're wrong Duo. You are so caught up in your pain that you never noticed what was so blatantly obvious to the rest of us. You were, and still are, part of a team Duo. We were as close to being a family back then as anything. We care about you Duo." His voice softened.

I stared at him blankly for a moment, not believing what I had heard. I must have heard him wrong.

"And I know it's wrong, and that it is probably impossible for you to feel the same about me, but I love you Duo. Don't do this to yourself. We're your friends. Let us be there for you. Talk to us. Do you have any idea how much it hurts us, how much it hurts me, to see you like this? Let me be there for you. Don't push me away again. I love you Duo."

I could feel his conviction in the words as he spoke them. I crumbled. In spite of myself I began to cry, all my pain and loneliness pouring out of me. For a moment Heero stared at me bewildered. Not even a second later I felt his strong arms go around me and felt myself being pulled into his lap like a child and cradled in his warm embrace. I buried my face in his chest and threw my arms around him, needing the comfort that he offered. Needing somebody to trust.

"Don't let go," I whimpered.

"Never." He whispered back. "I'll never let you go."

He stroked my back gently while I cried. Heero murmured in my ear, telling me that everything would be all right. He buried his hands in my hair and ran his fingers through it with such love that I could only cling to him and cry harder.

I could barely believe that this was real. Why wasn't he pulling away from me in revulsion at my weakness? Why was he allowing me to cry? Could it be that he actually cared about me? Did he really love me? Despite everything could I be possible that he really did care deeply about me. Could Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei actually be worried about me like he said?

When I was all cried out I looked up at Heero and he smiled at me lovingly. He leaned forward and kissed my forehead. More gently then I would have thought him capable of being, he reached down and wiped my eyes with his hands.

"Better?" he asked quietly, wiping a few strands of hair that had fallen loose from my braid out of my face.

"I suppose." I shrugged. Not knowing what else to do, and afraid to meet his gaze, afraid at what I would find. Instead I tucked my head back into the crook of his neck and closed my eyes, enjoying the warmth of his arms and the strength of his embrace. For the first time in a very long time I felt safe, protected. I was almost… Happy.

Time passed by and I listened to the steady beat of Heero's heartbeat. After a while I looked up at him once again, as prepared as I was ever going to be to face what I found in his eyes.

"Heero…" I asked questioningly.

"Yes, Duo?"

"Please tell me that this is real. I don't think I could face it if this were all a lie. If this is a dream I don't think I could handle it when I woke up."

"Yes Duo, this is real. I'm not lying to you." He stroked the side of my face with his hand and I leaned into his hand allowing him to cup my face with it. I do love you, very, very much. I have for a long time I was just afraid to tell you. Afraid that I would repulse you. I was afraid to be turned away."

I searched his eyes but I could find no lie in them. My heart leapt for joy. He loved me! My gaze wandered towards his lips, and unconsciously I licked my own. I wasn't sure who moved first, him or me, but suddenly he was passionately kissing me. His hands were all over me, lighting me on fire. I stiffened, afraid of betrayal, but after a few coaxing touches from Heero I relaxed again. Gently he pushed me back onto the couch and lay on top of me, kissing me with such deep passion that I melted.

Then he just stopped, and pulled back from me hurriedly. I wanted to shrivel up and die. He had just been playing with me! That was what I got for opening myself up again. That's what I got from allowing myself to be so stupid as to think that I could trust anybody. Heero must have noticed my fear and my self-loathing, however and he spoke up.

"No Duo, don't jump to the wrong conclusions. It's just, I don't want to jump into anything too quickly. I don't want to overwhelm you or take advantage of you when you were jus crying in my arms." He looked at me and grabbed my elbow, gentle but firm, and pulled me up next to him. "I meant every word I said. I am not playing games with you."

I just looked into his eyes and stared at him for a while. "Heero, it's just… Well I don't know how to act in this situation. You've got to understand it's… hard for me to open up to people. I always loose the people that I care about most. Something always happens. And you couldn't imagine the amount of times I had my trust betrayed."

"I understand. Look, this is new to me too. But I care about you a lot Duo, and have for a very long time. I've always loved you. First it was just like a brother, ten it evolved into something more. I want to take things slowly though Duo. Neither of us have had great lives you know." He looked at me and I could see sadness in him too, the same sadness and deep hurt that I knew was mirrored in my eyes. "You're not the only one you know."

I smiled. "Well, we'll just have to work things out together I guess."

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Authors Notes: 

Hope you liked it! Please let me know what you think. I crave reviews! Please, _please _review!

Blessed Be,  
Raven

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	4. Part Four

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Dangerous Desires  
By Akasha Ravensong

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Part Four

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It had been six months since Heero had come into my apartment and shaken me from my depression and given meaning to my life again. Slowly I rejoined the world and was able to be myself again without the weight that had once been settled upon my shoulders. Things weren't perfect, in fact they were far from it, but I was mostly happy.

A few months after hiding in my apartment or Heero's apartment we started going out into the world. We went out to dinner once a week and the movies pretty much every other weekend. Then we started going out with all of our friends again. It surprised me to see that they too had been worried about me but had not known how to reach me. It seemed that I wasn't worthless after all.

Together, Heero and I had a large amount of savings from the war and since then. We had decided to get ourselves a house outside the city. It would be nice to be away from the action and have a chance to relax. We bought an old three story farmhouse that we would slowly fix up and make our own. It was such a good feeling to know that I was wanted and that I belonged.

I grabbed another box out of the truck, and yelled to the others as they helped us unload and unpack. "Hey, isn't it about time to eat? I'm starving over here."

"You're starving? We're the ones doing all the work!" yelled back Heero.

"Hey I'm helping… sort of…" I replied with a grin. "I've taken boxes out of the truck too you know."

"Yes, maybe one box off of each truck full of crap that we've brought over today."

"Now does it really matter who is doing work and who isn't? I think what is really important is who is doing the cooking."

I'll throw something together in the kitchen, Duo," said Quatre. "I think you have in that fridge and the cabinets for me to manage something edible."

"Thanks Kat" I grinned. _Food_

About an hour later we sat down at the new kitchen table with a simple but tasty dish of Chicken Alfredo in front of us, with merlot in the wine glasses before us. We laughed and talked late into the night. Dawn was only a few hours away as Heero and I waved goodbye to all of them.

"See, Duo, I told you life was much better when you were actually living it and not hiding away in a stuffy apartment like some vampire."

"Okay, so I supposed you convinced me." I took his hand and began to lead him upstairs towards our bedroom. "Now why don't you convince me that spending all this money on this house was worth it?"

"Oh, I think I can manage that."

He grabbed my arms and pinned me against the wall, drowning me in a assionate kiss. If he had not been holding me up my knees would have given way and I would have fallen to the floor. I moaned into his mouth as he pressed his body against mine and deepened the kiss. We only just made it to the bedroom in time.

Much later that night, naked between the sheets of my bed curled up next to Heero and wrapped within the safety of his arms, I whispered back to him.

"Heero?"

"Hmmm?"

"I love you too."

I sighed and curled up closer against him. Finally, I'd never be alone again.

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Finite

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Author's Note:

I hope you all enjoyed this fic, i know this ending was kind of short but hey, use your imagination!

Blessed Be  
Raven Lynne

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